Of course not, but somehow she felt like finding the river meant it was over, and how much more was right in front of her felt like an entire world.
Where were they? She didn't get to the inlet, yet, she couldn't have, so. Maybe. Go upriver?
She needed to stay still, Ro-Ro was gonna be so mad…
But she could go upriver and maybe find Daddy and Aunt Eupa?
It was hard to go upriver on this side. Her side had high walls, even during floods on most parts, but this side just let the water come right in, making Brina weave further into the trees to avoid the mud.
Could she make a light big enough for them to see? Would they be closer to home or farther away by now? She was surprised she couldn't see her father's brown voice filtering through the air, even this far– her hearing usually got better on these days.
Along the riverside was easier to walk. The trees were further apart and the ones that remained were huge with knobbly roots— picking a path was easy, even if she wasn't paying attention, even with numb feet. Everything that could have littered the path was washed into piles in root tangles and branches between trees.
Brina tried to sort-of-meditate while she walked. She wouldn't go into her room, yet, just the trees at the top of the stairs. It was her head, Daemon said, but the trees were there when she pictured it the first time. He said it was her home, and that made sense.
The trees here weren't like her ones at home, and the forest in her head was lit warm while this felt dreary and cold, all gray and murky. There were more evergreen on this side of the river, more underbrush. Ro-Ro kept the forest suitable for her family, Aunt Eupa said.
Ro-Ro was gonna be so mad.
They were all gonna be so mad. And sad. And happy to see her again.
The berries on the side of the path were kinda glowy to Brina's eye– it meant she shouldn't eat them. Normally. But that they were glowing today meant she could eat them today.
Probably.
It didn't matter, she ate all the softest ones and everything except the light green ones, and she was still hungry when she couldn't find any more.
She wanted to cry, but she heard some heavy panting and rustling downriver, and she ran (aiming upriver with the river on her right, very careful to keep it there and pick out her path) before the wolves came into view.
Barely a moment passed before her feet screamed at her. They hurt so much! She could hardly stand to run! Her hands and feet were so cold, and she was cold! Brina hadn't realized how bad it was getting, but her whole body was sore and her feet were numb except the pain. Her legs were stiff as she tried to make them go, her head was heavy as she tried to keep it up and keep her path in view.
She staggered, slowing down until she heard them behind her again. They were chasing, they were really chasing, and Brina was already so tired and hungry, they were going to eat her. Images flashed through, Ro-Ro taking her bloody purple dress home and Daddy burying it.
Her feet hit, wind roared, her heart pounded. The wolves chased for what felt like forever. Her legs ached and burned as she forced them to go, until finally the warm ache became strength.
Brina's heart was pounding reassuringly right next to her magic, and the warmth spread in her face, making her arms tingle and her feet hurt.
After she finally stopped running, she felt better. Warmer, at least. The river was still right there, she was still going the right way, and she was confident that she hadn't passed the inlet. It didn't make sense that she could be so close without seeing it.
She turned her walk in the woods into a walk into her woods in her head, and kept pacing, turning the world in a circle under her feet so she could build up her sense of being there. Daemon taught her that one, but she still didn't like doing it. It took too long.
The stairs were right there, and sometimes she remembered the floor mat right at the top, her way of telling herself she was done or getting started. There was a blanket folded under a tree here, too, for when she needed a nap after lessons.
What did inert even mean? Brina remembered Daemon calling her magic inert, but she didn't know what it meant. Not working, she guessed.
The meditation helped distract her from the warmth being sapped by the coming winter, until her feet were too numb to trust on their own. She wondered if the wolves were still behind her and if they'd chase her warm again or if they'd eat her. Actually, that would depend on her, wouldn't it? She'd have to keep going. Make yourself annoying to eat.
Ro-Ro was still gonna be mad.
The wolves were still behind her.
The take-off wasn't as rough as before, but Brina was still stiff and cold when the run began. She looked forward to thawing out, and she wondered idly if she would taste better warm or cold.
She felt like she should have been more scared, but her brain was sleepy and wasn't doing so great.
After a little while, Brina guessed they were just messing with her. Waiting for her to get tired. She wasn't even running that fast, even for herself, let alone wolves.
They dropped back and Brina kept going for as long as she could anyway, warm and aching and hungry and tired, and she was sorry, she was so sorry, she was gonna die and everyone was gonna be sad and–
Was that the inlet? It was! It was so small from over here, Brina wouldn't have recognized it without the Sunning Rock jutting over the water like that. The tree was still hung up, the water was lower enough that it was barely clinging on, but she was certain of it! Brina got back to the inlet!
And no one was there.
Brina's heart sank to her stomach. She wasn't sure why she thought someone would be, but no sign of her family could be seen through the fog of river noise.
She couldn't swim across the rampaging water, she couldn't even really get into the river from here, the water was too high and still flowing into the trees.
Brina stood alone, surrounded by stange forest and nothing else, feeling tiny. Despair crept up on her, and she felt the cold around her heart and throat begin to squeeze.
Who are you?
Aunt Eupa again. It was weird to have her voice pop in like that, but it was nice to not be alone.
Come on, kiddo. Who are you? What are the words?
I'm Brinarini, and I'm magic, and I'm loved, and I'm fast, and I'm strong, and I'm tough, and I'm good.
Damn right.
I'm Brina, and I'm magic.
Damn right!
Magic. She tried to remember how Daemon always said to grow it. It was theory, she remembered, it was about energy and bouncing and making it go faster, but he used funny words and she ended up with a funny picture in her head, but he said that it didn't matter what it looked like, as long as it worked.
Well. It wasn't like things were going to get worse?
Brina fixed her skirts under her freezing feet, pulled her knees to her chest, and rested her head. From there, she curled further into herself, wadding up her Self until it was small enough to fit into her skull.
The mat was waiting at the top of her wooden stairs. She started with both feet on it and stepped onto the first stair, putting her feet together before she took the next step. There were ten from top to bottom, and she gave it a handrail a while ago, which she used today. Mostly it was to keep her magic from trying to climb the sides, but also it was good for feeling and really getting into her mind scape.
She put her feet on the stone floor in her mind, carefully feeling the smoothness. "Just a little. Just one," she pleaded, searching desperately for any hint of her usual sparkling stars.
She tried the toybox to make sure it was still shut tight. She checked under her bed, under her blankets, under her pillow, under the stairs– she even checked the rocking chair, where her magic usually refused to go.
She wanted to give up, but she was going to really die if she didn't get some wamth, so she kept going anyway. It wasn't like the wolves were gonna act any different.
She searched again, checking the walls and even the ceiling, climbing into her rafters and checking every corner, every cranny, every tiny spot she could think to look. She sniffed and felt around in spaces, wondering if the sparkles were just not being shiny.
If she got eaten by the wolves, it would serve her right, she thought irritably, and she flopped on her floor. "Dammit," she moaned, letting her head loll to a side.
She found the last spark hiding at the bottom of the stairs in the very corner.
She dared not approach it too fast, afraid to scare it away. Instead, she very slowly rolled over and slithered forward with her hand outstretched. It stayed still, even when her hand was right over it, pausing for a moment before she snatched it up in her closed fist.
Touching it didn't start a rush like she wanted, and Brina had to stop herself from throwing it away. Instead she closed her hands around it to keep hold.
Maybe she could trick it into opening the toybox for her?
Grow it, chided Daemon, and his tail tapped. He was sitting in the rocking chair, now.
Brina giggled. This version of him was very stiff and tended to come and go when she was looking for him, but it was still funny that he had a spot in her head. He helped her by reciting his lessons sometimes.
Grow it. Okay.
Brina squeezed as hard as she could on the magic, and it started pushing back. It was like holding a bubble that was trying to grow, trying to stop it. The spark bounced around, faster and faster, until it was going so fast that it almost felt like more than one.
She let her hands part. The bubble of light startled her, and she clapped her hands closed again.
Was it supposed to do that? Was that what growing meant?
Did she squash it and smear it on her hands?
It was still bouncing wildly, so she didn't think so….
She parted her hands again, ready for the bubble, but not for the pull. The spark in the center was bright and jagged like it was being stretched in every direction. She got her hands maybe big enough to hold an olif, then had them pulled closed again so fast it hurt.
As soon as it shut her hands, it forced them back open, revealing a thumb sized spark and no bubble. "No!" She tried to catch it as it took flight, but she missed. Her real body fell forward as she scrambled after it, and she remembered herself.
Her feet were numb. Her hands hurt. Her body felt stiff and she couldn't stop shivering. It was hard to pick herself up. She was really freezing out here.
I should have stayed in the log.
Too late now. Work out, kid. Jump, run, something.
Brina remembered the wolves earlier and sobbed when she thought of them surrounding her and dragging her away when she was right across the river from the inlet. She could walk home from here if the stupid river wasn't there.
She couldn't stop shivering.
She tried to run in circles, then in place, but her body ached too much to go, and she fell to the ground.
Shit.
Try the magic again.
Brina whimpered softly and went to sit back down…
Actually, was there somewhere better to sit? Brina wasn't sure who that was that asked, but it was a really good idea. Out in the open and no warmth, she was doing everything Ro-Ro always said not to do.
Brina didn't have to search far, finding remnants of a dam that tented. She stuffed it with dryish leaves and dove in, burrowing deep and curling up tight.
It wasn't going to get any better. That was what Daddy would say when Brina was dawdling or stalling when she didn't want to do something. If you had to do it, you had to do it, and the longer you took to get to it, the worse it would feel.
Sometimes that wasn't true, but Brina couldn't think of any examples.
She crawled back into her mindscape, finding her Self still sprawled on the floor on her face and knees like a fool.
She let herself lie on the floor instead of getting up, and she rolled to her side. "Please?" she whimpered at it. "Please? I'm going to die if you…" she drifted off, not sure who was more responsible for this anymore, herself or the magic. "If we don't work on this, I'm going to die, and then you won't have a home."
The spark shone overhead like a star, about the right size to fit in Brina's palm. It was beautiful to look at, like a little window into her toybox. The magic itself was black, but the opalescent shimmers made it look like a little black hole of stars.
She rolled onto her back and watched it hover. She felt it looking at her, or something like it. It definitely felt alive and observant, anyway, and the way it was standing still made it feel thoughtful.
She felt like it was making fun of her. Her real eyes burned with tears as her Self's eyes watered. "Please?"
It shot straight up and bounced away into the rafters. Brina leapt to her feet, but it was too late to do anything.
Whatever was sad and scared before was angry and scared, now. It felt like her magic was trying to let her die. The icy hand around her heart burned like fire and she chewed on her lips as she tried to figure out what to do. The ball bounced wildly, leaving splatters of starry space splashed everywhere it touched, getting faster and faster, slamming harder and harder into the surfaces of Brina's mindscape.
It launched itself at her bed, burying deep and putting a hole into her blankets and top layer of mattress.
Brina dove on the bed hands-first to seize the ball in both hands. "Oh, no you don't! I've had enough of this!" She wanted to squish it now. She picked it up and squeezed it between her palms. Maybe if she squashed it, it would spread out, she didn't care-- this spark of magic was an asshole.
The spark pushed. Brina pushed back. The spark pushed harder and Brina squeezed until her real hands hurt, pressing and crushing the ball until it buzzed.
Her hands stung and trembled, but Brina was ready this time. She pulled and locked her arms to hold the bubble about the size of her daddy's head. The spark inside was spiky and stretched, like before only a lot more.
It kept trying to pull her hands closed, but she refused to let up. If it wasn't going to play nice, neither was she. The spark got spikier and spikier, wild tendrils forming as the central ball got smaller and smaller, until the whole thing split into hundreds more sparks, bursting from the middle into the walls of the bubble and bouncing around.
Brina dropped to her knees, holding her concentration and the bubble, careful to feel every single part of it in contact with her hands, feeling each spark hit the wall of light, and she sobbed with relief.
"Excellent." Daemon's voice came from the rocking chair, a calm but always genuine cheer from him when she got something really right.
"Thank you," she giggled breathlessly. She was panting in the real, and she got a nose full of leaves when she moved wrong.
The magic wasn't as keen on escaping right now, and Brina wondered how much she used when she cast normally. She lifted the bubble to her lips and breathed the magic in, letting it flow into her mouth, down her throat, and into her lungs where she held it.
Oh that was not enough. Was that what normal person magic felt like? Brina often wondered if she'd rather have only a little magic, and this filled her with absolute certainty that she did not. The sense in her lungs was like bath water if it sat too long, instead of the normal warmth, and the roil she was used to had been reduced to a ripple. She breathed them back into the bubble and closed her hands on it again.
The bubble refused to let her close her hands completely, but it stayed pretty solid. She started slow, and the bubble held. She pushed harder, the sparks bounced faster and faster, until they looked like lines and the balloon ball hummed.
As she pressed harder, the sparks stopped bouncing and started swirling in circles instead, spinning and swimming inward until they concentrated into a smaller blue-white ball in the center of the bigger yellow-white orb.
Her arms ached and her real brow dripped with sweat before she yanked her hands apart, holding the bubble the size of her body. The ball in the middle scattered into millions of glittery pieces that drifted around peacefully.
She didn't want to try and crush all of these. She didn't have big enough hands, but it was easier to just take the magic.
She hoped.
She held the ones in her lungs and pressed the ones in her hands, but it felt like the first time more than the second.
A wave of exhaustion hit her and even her mental Self swayed in place. Nope. Nope nope nope, I'm not tired, nope. Brina was good at ignoring how tired she was. Her family always remarked on it at bedtime.
The ball crunched into the middle, but the exhausted child was too tired to squeeze anymore and the sparkles drifted loosely in the bubble, coming away from the center in slow-moving orbits until Brina let go of the squeeze and just held it while the magic started bouncing again.
She still wasn't tired, but she was gonna rest for a moment. The sparks were hitting each other and breaking off, now. She didn't have to squeeze anymore, she just had to hold it.
She hoped.
Apparently she was right, because the ball was getting harder to hold even without her doing anything. The bouncing was getting stronger, the sparks were moving faster, and the bubble's light was glowing brighter.
The ball wanted to grow, and she didn't let it. She held steady and tried to make the ache in her body stop as she fought it, but everything was wearing down.
I'm still not tired.
This had to be enough.
Brina lifted the ball to her lips and breathed the magic in, filling her lungs with the enthusiastically dancing magic, warmed and refreshed by the power.
Okay, but now what? Scream? Make a fire?
Brina held tight to the power in her chest and opened her real life eyes.
And closed them again because it was dark and there were leaves.
Magic still there? Good.
Brina wriggled and rolled in her hiding place until she got her head to the opening and peeked out.
The blast of cold air hurt, but she wasn't as cold as earlier. She still didn't want to come out, so she didn't, settling in the leaves. She hardly minded the itch anymore.
The sun was halfway down the sky, it was mid-afternoon. And still no one was here? No one was looking? She didn't hear anyone? No flickers of color weaving through the fog, nothing?
Fire for warmth or shout for Daddy?
She was warm already. She could feel the difference, her feet hurt instead of being numb again, her body was moving like she wanted. It was bad before, but now it was only uncomfortable.
Brina crawled out and fixed her feet before lifting her chin and calling, "DADDY!" into the sky as powerfully as she could.
The shockwave rippled up through the branches, creating a veritable wind that set off through the trees.
No answer, but they wouldn't be able to answer if they were too far, and Brina's shout could go farther than even Daddy's big lungs.
She hoped.
The magic was spent. Her heart was cold and hollow, so she tucked herself back into her hiding spot to wait. The warmth she built up was gone, but she could bring it back.
Would they hear her? Would the wolves come after her? Wolves wouldn't chase something that made a noise like that, nothing chased loud things, that was one of the things Ro-Ro taught her.
The leaves were warm again.
I just wanna go home.
The thought alone brought tears to her eyes, and Brina curled into the leaves to weep. The river was too loud. She ran into her mind room and curled up under her bed.
She didn't know what else to do. She was still lost. She was exactly where she got lost from but so far away. No one knew where she was, no one could find her. She screamed and no one screamed back. She had no idea if they knew to look in the woods. What if they went to town to look instead? Worried she got kidnapped and started traveling, instead of looking in the river? Or went way too far down the river? She'd never know, they'd never know, how could they?
The light was fading. It was getting colder. Brina was warm now, but without the sun and without any way to put more stuff on top of herself, she'd freeze anyway.
The white fog of the river noise was blocking parts of her view, so Brina couldn't see across clearly, plus it was higher up, but she couldn't imagine that she'd call like that and no one would answer if they were there….
Brina heard someone walking, someone with two legs, and she leapt out of hiding. "Daddy?"
Not Daddy.
The figure was twenty steps away. His ghost-gray skin and deep black eyes and stringy black hair made him look like a drowned corpse. "Hello?" Brina asked, not sure what to say otherwise. "Can you help me get across?"
He smiled at her with snakelike fangs and opened his mouth, releasing a hiss as his arms melted into his sides and he lurched forward. He rolled to his chest as his body got longer, and he arched up until he was standing on his curled tail. The twenty foot long jet black snake was as big as the trees surrounding him, and the black eyes were staring hungrily down at the child in front of him.
Brina could hardly breathe. Her heart pounded so hard that it felt like it was going to come out, she was dizzy and when she tried to make her legs move, they refused. She couldn't make anything go. Her whole body began to ache all over, like she already ran, and now the snake was dropping, curling up, rearing back and–
It lunged.
Brina screamed.
Sheer luck, it was one of the magic screams, but it was too late to stop the snake– he snapped his mouth shut on Brina, sinking a fang into her collar near her shoulder. She screamed in pain, and she felt the poison sinking in, and the warmth of her magic rushing to protect her from it. The cold sank faster than the warm, and Brina's vision blurred.
Daddy's brown voice drifted through the fog surrounding Brina, but she couldn't answer. Breathing in was impossible, she was being bitten too hard. Or squeezed, the snake had wrapped all the way around her and was squeezing her to death while he held her still with his mouth.
Daddy's voice was loud enough to hear, this time, not just see. The snake squeezed tighter, pressed the remaining air out of Brina's lungs, crushed her legs together and squished everything so that she felt like she was going to die. Something crunched painfully, but she couldn't cry out. It hurt.
"BRINA!" roared Daddy's voice as he flew out of the river but she couldn't stay awake anymore.
~
The ground was cold.
Brina's head hurt.
Aunt Eupa's voice was in her ears.
"Come on, kid, wake up! If your dad catches me holding your corpse there will just be two corpses. Please wake up. you're scaring me, kid, come on. It's just a snake bite and a tight hug, wake the fuck up."
Brina couldn't breathe. She still felt crushed.
Aunt Eupa was going on like that under her breath, but when Brina opened her eyes, she couldn't see Aunt Eupa. Her black-furred guardian was curled on the ground on all fours above her, the girl realized, finally feeling the armored chest against her own. Aunt Eupa's head was next to hers, with her face at Brina's neck. Brina couldn't see anything but trees and dirt, lying on her back with a wall to her left hiding what Brina guessed was her family and the snake.
Bright lights flashed and Brina saw Daemon's scarlet hellfire ball fly through the air, leaving trails of green smoke and exploding bright on the other side of the wall.
"Fuck off," Aunt Eupa snapped, but then she said, "'kay, fuck off anyway," but much calmer. Brina rolled her head to see what she was looking at or talking to, but it hurt to move. Aunt Eupa dropped her weight and tightened her hold, pinning her and keeping her from getting up.
"I've got you, kid, don't move until we know how bad you're hurt."
"Aunt Eupa!" Brina gasped. It got worse when she lifted her arms. Her chest hurt, her head still hurt, and she had to gulp for air. It felt like she was choking.
Aunt Eupa moved just a little, adjusted the way Brina's head was lying so she could breathe. Brina felt a glass tube press to her mouth–a healing potion.
It was the first time Brina got to try a healing potion. They only had a few around the house, and they kept them 'just in case', and had only ever needed to open one for a few drops at a time. Brina always wanted to try it, but they told her that it was too expensive to waste on a taste test. She occasionally wondered what kind of injury it would take to need it, but she hadn't found one, yet. Aunt Eupa always said they tasted bad, and she didn't want to find out. And she was right. Brina was tired of her guardians being right all the time.
"Kid, please tell me you have the shit where you can see your dad's drinks shine," she whispered, but Brina was pretty sure she was just hoping out loud. That magic was why the berries glowed and why she could feel the snake bite like that, though, so Brina did happen to have that kind. Lucky her.
Her breathing felt a lot better, so much less heavy, but she still felt weak and tired.
"Am I dying?" she whispered to Aunt Eupa.
Aunt Eupa was trembling, but her voice was steady and strong. And angry. "If you manage to die through one of those magic healing shits, I'm gonna mmmm– you should be fine."
Aunt Eupa kissed Brina's head and sat up with her sword drawn, kneeling protectively over the child. The dirt wall fell, and Brina only just got to see the tail of the snake disappearing into the trees, wolves growling and snapping teeth behind it, and her Daddy and Ro-Ro covered in blood close by.
Daddy was on top of Aunt Eupa so fast that Brina didn't realize that she was stopping him from hugging her until Aunt Eupa pushed him several steps back. "We have to make sure her back isn't still broken," she whispered.
Her back was broken!? Brina jumped up in a panic, and then Daddy swept her into a massive hug. She could hardly hug him for how tight he was holding her, and she burst into tears she couldn't hold back. He stank of sweat and blood, his clothes were torn and dirty, his hair was coming undone, tears streamed down his face, and Brina couldn't be happier to see him. One huge arm wrapped all the way around and his big hand pressed to her back. He was saying something but Brina couldn't hear him, she was too busy wailing her apologies.
A long time like that passed before they even loosened their holds, and Daddy finally stopped trying to talk and was reduced to sobbing and rocking Brina in his arms where he stood.
Ro-Ro stood behind Daddy with her arms crossed. She was mad. Her whole body was bristling, her eyes were extra shiny, and her ribbons were flying straight up. Her spear was stabbed into the ground so far that the point was completely gone, and she was still holding it with her hand ready to pick it up and throw.
But before she talked to Daddy, Ro-Ro put her fur down and turned around. Looking past, Brina saw some of the wolves standing there. "Thank you," Ro-Ro said to the biggest one. "I saw you kept her warm for me and chased her up here."
Daddy turned to face the wolves and Brina sat up to get a better look. There were at least three big gray wolves and a human (or furless biped, anyway) standing at the treeline.
"Thought it better to return what was lost," agreed the biped in a calm tenor. "Also didn't want to frighten too badly with a direct approach."
Ro nodded to the biggest wolf as if he had been the one to speak. "I appreciate it. I felt her leave alone and I was a whole day out."
The wolves surrounding them nodded, and the furry ones turned and sauntered off. The man in leather spoke again. "That snake lurks, sometimes even in your forest. He's strong. Beware."
With that, the elfish looking man morphed with a crunch, falling to all fours as a wolf within a moment. The brown one that Brina remembered brushed her foot on the way past her daddy. She smiled weakly to realize that it probably was supposed to be hiding from her, and was embarrassed to get caught.
Daddy's heart pounded so hard in his chest that Brina felt it stronger than her own, and she pressed to him and reveled in it. She thought she'd never feel it again, she thought she'd never see his hands again, and as Brina remembered the fear and despair, and that it was gone and over, the tears flowed.
Daddy walked and Brina didn't bother watching where he was going, instead looking over his shoulder to watch the forest, until she heard a soft splash of water and looked to see how he planned to cross.
A bridge of ice had been erected, lined with small nub spikes. Daemon stood in the middle of it with his staff in hand. His lips were pressed tight, and his horns were flashing their flames in a way that Brina couldn't interpret. His arms were still shiny from shooting at the snake from across the river, and his tail lashed impatiently, but he didn't say anything. He didn't actually get to see Brina do the lesson. He was probably mad about yesterday. Brina didn't blame him. She was kinda mad at her for yesterday, too.
Daddy carried Brina across the ice bridge and Aunt Eupa followed close with her head on Daddy's back, holding Brina's cold hand in hers. Brina could feel her shaking, and Daddy's heart was still pounding. The little girl felt a lot better, but the horrid aftertaste of the healing potion wouldn't let her forget why. Was her back really broken? She couldn't even remember. The snake was going to eat her anyway, it hardly mattered. She got lucky.
Once across, Daddy started on the path to go home when Ro-Ro said, "Brina," in a voice that would have stopped a dire bear in its tracks.
Daddy came to a halt so fast it was like he hit a wall. He turned slowly to face Ro-Ro, apparently feeling Brina's anticipation as his own. Brina felt him take a breath to speak, but Ro-Ro didn't let him start, giving him a stern look that even Brina knew was a threat. She then lowered the menacing stare, shining eyes fixed on Brina until she gulped. "I'll let them take you home. I'll let you get a bath and a good meal. And then? We. Are going. Camping."
